THE HITWOMAN UNDER PRESSURE (Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman Book 15) Read online

  “Three squares for thirty days,” the bird demanded.

  “Squares?” I repeated, confused.

  “Squares?” Zeke and Angel parroted simultaneously, sharing a worried look.

  “You really can understand me?” The bird waved his wings excitedly, bobbing his head up and down. “Holy moly! A real live talking two-leg!”

  “Biped,” God corrected. “She’s a bi-ped.”

  “The bi-ped doesn’t know what a square is,” I reminded them, raising my voice as another wave of thunder rolled through.

  “Maggie, shut up,” Zeke urged. There was no mistaking the panic in his voice, he thought I was talking about squares like my mother had gone on about feathers. “Just shut up.”

  “You’ve had a tough day,” Angel soothed.

  “It’s bread, sugar,” Piss purred. “He wants you to give him three pieces of bread for thirty days.”

  “I can do that,” I told the bird. “No problem.”

  “Of course you can,” Angel continued in a gentle voice. “All you need is a little rest.”

  A flash of lightning made everyone flinch.

  “Can we get on with whatever we’re going to do?” Brian asked. “I’m starting to feel a lot like Ben Franklin flying a kite out here.”

  The crow’s eyes gleamed. “I got my very own two-leg.”

  “She’s not yours,” Piss hissed.

  The wind blew harder and the rain fell in sideways sheets.

  I squinted at the bird through the pouring rain. “Do we have a deal or not?”

  “Do I get to keep the loot too?”

  “Loot?” I asked as the breeze made the tree sway wildly.

  “The pennies. Pay the ransom before I die!” God begged.

  “Loot and squares are yours,” I promised, “but only if you hold up your end of the bargain.”

  “No problem.” With that, he beat his wings and flew higher into the tree.

  The wind howled.

  Brian gasped.

  “Get away from the tree,” Angel yelled, physically lifting me up and carrying me away.

  I was so startled by the move that I dropped poor Piss, but she landed on her feet.

  Zeke followed us toward the relative protection of the car.

  “Griswald!” Angel shouted, but Brian was staring up into the tree, entranced by whatever he saw.

  Luckily, Piss ran over to him and swiped his ankle with her claw.

  “Ow!” The pain snapped the detective out of the trance he’d been in.

  “Get away from there,” Angel roared, holding tightly onto me as though he were afraid I’d run back to the tree.

  The detective ran toward us.

  The lizard bawled like a baby. “I don’t want to die!”

  Between the rain and the thrashing of the branches I couldn’t see what was happening.

  Thunder boomed.

  A bolt of lightning, white hot and blinding, struck the tree.

  Angel and Zeke stumbled backward, Brian sprawled forward, and I’m pretty sure we all screamed.

  Then, all I could hear was the rain pounding down.

  “God?” I called tentatively. “Are you okay?”

  I held my breath waiting for his reply.

  “Heads-up,” the crow cackled from overhead.

  I looked up just in time to see the bird fly by and drop something.

  “Aaaaaahhhh!” God screamed as he plummeted toward the ground.

  In order to catch him, I drove my elbows backward into Angel with as much force as I could muster. Instinctively he released me. I leapt forward, tripped on a root, and did a face-plant into the ground.

  Which was fortunate because it meant that the lizard landed on my butt, taking advantage of all the fatty cushioning it provided.

  When I raised my face off the rain-soaked ground, I found myself eye-to-eye with Brian who was also laid out in the mud. I couldn’t tell if his entire body was shaking because of the cold or if he was laughing until he wheezed, “You convinced the bird to save the lizard.”

  Rolling over, he gave into his laughter and guffawed.

  “No, I didn’t,” I protested weakly.

  “It’s not funny,” God argued from his perch on my rump. “I could have died.”

  “Maybe next time you will,” Piss suggested before slinking off to hide under the detective’s car. “We all know there will be a next time.”

  Chapter 8

  Needless to say, no one was in a partying mood when we returned to the B&B.

  Brian left immediately to go home and try to get some of the mud off himself and the interior of his car.

  After showing Katie that God was okay, despite his infernal griping that he wasn’t, I went downstairs and put him in his terrarium. DeeDee was cowering beneath the furniture, hiding from the storm that still raged outside.

  I placed my one clean towel so that Piss could rub against it and dry herself off while I was in the shower. As a result, when I got dressed, my body was still damp and my clothes stuck to me in unflattering ways.

  Shivering against the cold, I pulled on my heaviest sweatshirt, grabbed a blanket, and curled up on the couch with the cat and dog as a couple of natural heaters.

  It wasn’t long before there was a knock at my door.

  “Come in,” I called, not really caring who the visitor was.

  Angel, carrying a tray loaded with a couple of steaming cups of coffee and a plate of cookies, descended the stairs. “Thought you might want something.”

  “You didn’t have to do that.” I struggled into a less slouched position so I wouldn’t look like such a slob.

  He handed me a cup. “Cold?” he asked taking in my attire and the blanket.

  “Got a little chilled in the rain,” I admitted. “We all did.”

  “Not me.”

  “Oh, I forgot,” I teased, “you’re never cold.”

  “Rarely.” He scooped up Piss and sat down on the spot she’d occupied, his leg pressing against mine. Even through the blanket and my jeans, I could feel the heat of his body.

  Piss settled into his lap and purred contentedly, “The man chugs like a cranked up furnace.”

  I took a sip of coffee hoping that would distract me from the pressure of his leg. “I’m sorry I hit you. I just wanted to catch him.” I jutted my chin in the direction of the terrarium where the lizard was curled up on the floor, sleeping.

  “Now I understand how you took on Vinny,” Angel replied with grudging respect. “I’d really thought that Gino had been exaggerating because of the pain meds he was on.”

  “I got lucky.”

  He shook his head. “I don’t think so. You’re one driven woman.”

  I laughed bitterly at that. “You don’t know me at all. I’m the least driven person you’ll ever meet. First I stayed at a job I hated with the insurance company and now I have the opportunity to have a career in real estate and I’m spending all my time at The Corset. I have no drive…except maybe for cookies.” I reached out and grabbed one off the plate.

  “Is that really how you see yourself?”

  I nodded vigorously. “That’s how the world sees me.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Well you’ve got the excuse that you’re oxygen deprived since I elbowed you in the solar plexus,” I joked.

  He opened his mouth to argue and then seemed to think better of it. He took a sip of coffee before he spoke. “I told my uncle what Vinny did. He’s got people looking for him. He’ll get it sorted out.”

  I nodded. “Thanks. I appreciate that.”

  “But until he does you should be careful.”

  I nodded, then drained the rest of my coffee.

  “You do understand the meaning of the word careful, don’t you?” he teased, putting his cup on the tray.

  I chuckled, placing my own cup beside his. “I’ve got a general idea.”

  “Armani’s waiting to see you,” he said, gently putting Piss on the floor and getting up from the co
uch. “She doesn’t want to try the stairs down here.”

  “Oh, okay.” I jumped up, forgetting that I was tangled in the blanket.

  I would have performed another face-plant if he hadn’t caught me, pulling me against his body to keep me upright.

  His body heat seared through our clothes, reminding me of just how hot he was.

  “Thanks,” I gasped, fighting the urge to fan myself.

  He didn’t let me go right away, instead he leaned back slightly, which left me off balance and forced to cling to him.

  Not that I particularly minded clinging. It was kind of nice to be in a man’s arms after the day I’d had. I had to fight the urge to rest my head against his shoulder.

  “You really need to practice your being careful skills,” he chided, shifting his balance so that my own was centered on the floor. “You’re way too impulsive for your own good.”

  “I am,” I agreed breathlessly. Reaching up, I caught his face in my fingers and stood on my tiptoes to kiss him.

  His hands settled firmly on my waist as my mouth neared his.

  Then he stepped back. “Not when you’ve had a day like today, Maggie.”

  I blinked, surprised. “What?”

  “Don’t be insulted,” he cajoled, “just keep in mind how much I respect you and don’t want to take advantage when you’re obviously reeling.”

  “You didn’t seem to mind me reeling earlier,” I reminded him bitterly, stung by the rejection.

  “That’s not fair,” he admonished gently. With that, he released me, grabbed the tray, and ran back up to the kitchen. “Armani’s waiting,” he reminded me from the top of the stairs.

  I stood there for a long moment trying to process what had just happened. “Do I come across as desperate?” I asked Piss.

  She licked her paw. “He’s worried that you’re a wounded bird.”

  “Bird not,” DeeDee corrected. “Person. Human.”

  “Oh good, the canine’s finally mastered Biology for Morons,” God interjected from his enclosure.

  “The man is acting like a gentleman,” Piss declared. “You haven’t had enough of those in your life. Now go see what your friend wants. I doubt she’d be hanging around if it wasn’t important.”

  Picking the blanket up off the floor, I tossed it onto the couch and headed upstairs to find out what bombshell Armani wanted to drop on me.

  Chapter 9

  I found Armani sitting in the dining room polishing off the last of the potato salad. “You’re looking better, chica. Mud isn’t really your color.”

  I smiled. “Thanks.” I sat down opposite her and stole a carrot off the vegetable tray in front of her. “What’s up?”

  “I have a message for you,” she said carefully. “Two wrongs make a right.”

  “It’s two wrongs don’t make a right,” I corrected gently.

  “No.” She shook her head. “The message is definitely two wrongs make a right.”

  “Okay,” I agreed, not wanting to argue with her. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  “You should also keep the road trip in mind.”

  “I’ve told you—”

  “And,” she said, holding up a finger, “I’m supposed to remind you that you need to give Zeke something. Do you know what it is?”

  I thought about that for a moment while I chewed my carrot. Darlene had said that the diary I’d found at the cop Belmont’s house contained an important cipher, but neither she nor Whitehat had asked me about it.

  I wondered why that was.

  “Do you know?” Armani asked again.

  “Yeah. I know.”

  She nodded her approval. “Then I can go.” She stood up.

  “That’s it?” I asked. “That’s what you waited around for?”

  She frowned at me. “I just told you three very important things. Don’t take them lightly.”

  “Three?” I asked.

  “Two wrongs, the road trip, and give whatever it is to Zeke,” she reminded me.

  “Oh yeah, three.”

  She started to limp away, but then turned back. “Oh yeah, and don’t forget to pay your debt.”

  That sounded ominous. “What debt?”

  She shrugged. “How should I know? It’s yours. See you soon.” With a wave of her good hand, she walked out.

  I stayed at the table and grabbed a piece of celery.

  Aunt Susan rushed in looking as tired as I felt. “There you are.”

  “Were you looking for me?” I asked.

  She shook her head as she sank down into the chair at the head of the table.

  “Is Loretta settled in?” I asked.

  She nodded.

  “And Leslie?”

  “Sleeping it off.” A bitter note of resignation laced her tone. “I thought maybe this time the sobriety would last.”

  I grimaced sympathetically. “She tried.”

  Susan lifted her eyebrows. “Well you’re in a benevolent mood about the whole thing considering she basically said that you were Teresa's last choice to be Katie’s guardian.”

  “Do you believe her?” I tried to sound nonchalant, but I desperately wanted to know the answer.

  Susan chose her words with care. “I don’t disbelieve her.”

  I nodded slowly. I’d thought I’d heard the ring of truth in Leslie’s words too.

  Susan sat up and leaned across the table, trying to reach my hand. I had to stretch so that our fingers could make contact. “If that was Teresa’s thinking,” Susan said tremulously, her voice riddled with pain, “that reflects on her, not on you. You’ve done an amazing job with Katie.”

  A lump rose in my throat. That kind of praise, coming from her, meant the world to me. Unable to meet her eyes, I focused on our connected fingers. “Sometimes I think she hates me,” I confessed.

  Susan squeezed my fingers. “That just means you’re doing something right.”

  A harried-looking Templeton burst in. “She needs an ice bag! It’s an emergency.”

  Susan sighed and got to her feet. “If you’re going to survive my sister, Templeton, you’re going to have to cut back on indulging her every whim.”

  Together they made their way to the kitchen. While they did that, I escaped to Katie’s room to check on her.

  The door was open a crack and I could see her head on her pillow. She was fast asleep, her face a mask of innocence that squeezed my heart.

  I stood there for a moment, just watching her, thinking about how much I loved the precious little girl.

  After a bit, I slipped outside onto the front porch. The rain had finally stopped and the air smelled freshly washed.

  If I hadn’t spotted the glow of his cell phone, I wouldn’t have even realized that Zeke was sitting out there.

  “Hey,” I greeted.

  “Hey, crow whisperer.”

  “Is that what you’re going to call me now?” I settled into the chair beside him. “Ugggh, it’s wet.” I jumped back up, plucking my damp clothes away from skin.

  “It rained,” he laughed. “Or don’t you remember the whole lightning strike?”

  “I remember.” I looked out at the street. “You thought I was nuts.”

  He didn’t disagree.

  “You know how important he is to Katie,” I explained.

  “I know that you’re the one who doesn’t leave home without him,” he countered.

  “So you think I’m crazy?”

  “I think it’s a genetic thing, like blonde hair or blood type, or whether you can roll your R’s.”

  “I don’t think R’s are genetic.”

  He shrugged. “Someone does.”

  “Speaking of letters,” I awkwardly segued, “I have to give you something to bring to you-know-who.”

  “Voldemort?”

  I chuckled. “Come on.”

  We both went back inside and down to the basement. Once there, I got down on my hands and knees to retrieve the diary from underneath the couch.